Twitter and Fareham Borough Council

Prepare yourself; this will be a long one!! 

I promised myself a while back that from that-day-forward I would not allow petty little things to wind me up anymore. Life is too short, however, at-the-same-time I also vowed to not let people push me around, talk down to me or treat me in such-a-way as to make me feel of no consequence. After a lifetime of being bullied by one-person-or-another I refuse to allow anyone to make me feel that way.  Maybe it's down to getting older, maybe it's down to having recently been worried about something which has forced me to face my own mortality; or maybe it's down to finally having had enough. Whatever the reason, I did find myself losing my temper a wee bit on Monday.

I have to take you back a bit (several years in fact). For that I am sorry.

Those of you who know, and follow me, will know I run a small business. A little flower shop to be exact, on the outskirts of a mid-size town. I'm tucked around the corner in a parade of 4 shops (at least that's how many were here when we first moved in). We're a little out-of-the-way but it's a great shop and offers all we need. Except for parking. Whilst the main parade of shops 100 metres away has ample parking with restricted hours (one side is 2 hours, the other side is 4 hours), we have just 3 spaces outside, serving all 4 businesses. For the 11 years we have been here we've asked if we could have restricted parking also, for we often found staff from other businesses taking up the spaces outside, therefore blocking access for our customers, who could park outside the other shops but this involves crossing a main road and really should not be necessary for them to do so when we have the spaces. Every time we asked, we got told "No".

In 2014 some new people bought the shop adjoined to me on the northern side. They put in plans for an extension. I had no issues with this, however, they told us they wanted to turn a walk-in chip shop into a seated one (they never went ahead with that, submitting plans only to extend so they could accomodate more take-away customers). Again, no objection to that, but I did make a note on the planning application that their extending would bring more cars to the area, and therefore requested they allow it but give us the restricted parking. It was never going to make that much difference for people don't stay long in the shop, but I hoped it might stop the staff from parking out there all day. A man from the council contacted me, and also came out to see me, about my objection (it was classed as an objection because of my parking comment). I had a chat with him about the parking issues and at the time he came in the businesses in the parade had increased from 4 to 5 so parking was getting harder. He told me the council would not be able to fund it but we could fund it ourselves. This would be at a cost of £5000 (for a pole with a sign on!!!!). He did warn me though that there was no guarantee we would still be able to have the restricted parking but it would help to moving us further up the priority list. Basically, he was saying "bung me 5k and I'll see what I can do". At the time the security cameras in the shop didn't record sound so it was a case of my word, against his. I am sure at-one-point he did email me about it, but since then we've changed servers and I've not been able to recall it (I won't stop looking for it though). A local council man for our area basically called me a liar a few weeks back when I mentioned about this, stating that the Highways Agency is responsible for such things, and not the council. His opinion is irrelevant to me. I know what was said; I was there. He wasn't. If he'd read what I said properly he'd have seen I never said we paid the 5k, just that we were told that's what it would cost. Did he see only what he wanted to see because he has a complex about something?

 

The plans went through - as we knew they would - the extension was built and that was the end-of-it. The parking remained an issue, and we were left to get on with things. 

Fast forward a couple of years and the shop on the end of our block - to the south - was bought by friends of those who bought the chippy. They bought it as a going concern (it was a hairdressers) and once the ink was dry, turfed everyone out, and applied to have it changed to a cafe. At the same time they began to harass my immediate neighbour between myself and them; they wanted to buy her shop so they could make theirs bigger. They also approached me, got sent away with their tales-between-their-legs and for the most part have pretty much left me alone. My neighbour, however, has been put through hell from them. So-much-so at one point she had the police out and the council to report them for harassment. Both did nothing to help her. In-the-end the man who bought it said to her "Well, if you won't sell to me I'll open up a barbers too and put you out-of-business" (she has a barbers shop) and that's what they did. Opened one up - she's still in business though so they failed on that account, and now they've shrunk the barbers they opened by 50% and have begun extensions to the building so they can open a greek restaurant (more than 75% of businesses in our little area now sell food). I didn't even bother to raise an objection for that, because there really is no point. They will allow them to do whatever they want to do anyway, as they've already proven.

The building work for there began at the same time as the building work on the site opposite us, and also whilst there was/is still building going on at the house next to the shops. Basically, right now, my business is smack bang in the middle of 3 building sites. Now, the one over the road was in the planning stages for years. In the 11 years I've been here it's had plans for 7 houses refused (due to traffic and over population) plans for 12 flats refused and then suddenly, plans for 18 flats were submitted. That's 18 flats with just 20 parking spaces. 9 of them are 2 bed; 9 of them are 1 bed. That's potentially a minimum of 18 cars (if only 1 per flat) or 54 if each flat has 4 car drivers, which they easily could with 2 bedrooms. Then there are visitors to those flats upon completion. Where do they park? Again, I found myself objecting based on parking. You can read it here...   Don't try clicking on the links inside the document though, because when I checked just now they no longer work. Surprising that, eh? However, I found the top 2 again (I love a good google search); the 3rd has just vanished, which is odd when it was an article about the man who accused me of lying - as seen in the photograph above! - talking about a lack of parking. You can see the 2 articles I was able to find below. 

Once my objection was sent I received a visit from a local councillor - one whom I have mentioned in my objection, for he too had been on record twice, stating there is not enough parking in the area. He's a tall man, heavy set and quite imposing. He walked into my shop and stood looking down on me basically trying to talk me into removing my objection; someone other than me, could have felt his behaviour intimidating (I have been told by some local residents they do, in fact, find him intimidating; I've also yet to find anyone local who has a good word to say about him, or the head of our borough council (the one who called me out as a liar - why people keep voting them in is beyond me)).He told me categorically there "are no parking problems" (even though I was able to quote him as going on-the-record twice stating an overspill area that gets used by residents didn't have enough parking) and that the new properties would have disabled and social benefit people living in them; how silly of me to think disabled people and those on benefits don't drive, or have someone with them who drives. Still he insisted parking is not an issue and I should remove my objection. I told him if he could guarantee me there would be no parking issues in the area whilst the building work goes on, and that we could have the restricted parking in place before it starts, then I would remove it. He assured me that he was going to a meeting the very-next-day and would ask that it be a stipulation for the builders to fund it and it would be made a part of the agreement for them to proceed. I was unable to go to the meeting, but a friend of mine was there and the councillor never even mentioned us or the parking issues. Hence why my objection still stands. **Since writing this last week, the local guy has been into my barber neighbours and told her when she complained about all the work vans parking everywhere "wait until the flats opposite are finished; there aren't enough spaces for them all and parking will continue to get worse". This is the same man who told me there wasn't an issue and wouldn't be!

As you can see; I found the articles where he states there is an issue!

So, for the past 3 months we have found ourselves in the middle of these sites. The parking spaces outside the shops have been taken up by vans, lorries and cars of those working on the sites, and the 12 spaces outside houses going up-the-road where staff from other businesses and customers to our shops were able to (sometimes) park are taken up by workers cars and vans. They are also filling up 2 adjacent roads and I know a few residents in those roads have complained for they are blocking safe access to/from their properties by parking directly opposite their driveways, or as close to them as possible on the same side. For several days we had big box vans and lorries parked up on the forecourts either side of us, as well as in the road out the front, to the point we were literally boxed in. Every day there are at least 2 vans parked on the double yellow lines and at the bus stop. Just this morning I had to wait 7 minutes to be able to turn into the road because of the lorries blocking the way; eventually I re-routed myself to get away from it and approached from another road; an ambulance which may have been on it's way to save someone would not have been able to get through. The additional journey time to re-route as I did could be the difference between someone living, or dying. That is unacceptable. I was assured there would be no deliveries to any sites during rush hour; every morning between 8 - 9.30 there are deliveries to them which cause no amount of chaos.

In their defence, the guys on the main site opposite do try to be a little accommodating although it is mainly their workers taking up all the spaces; the real issues are with the ones doing the building work on the greek restaurant, for they do not give a monkeys. For 2 weeks they had 3 vans parked on the double yellow lines, all day, every day, as well as happily putting their cars and vans up on the forecourts which belong to myself and my neighbour. She's had her planters outside knocked over and damaged by them on more-than-one-occasion. I've had to constantly ask them not to park on mine as the bricks we have are not strong enough for cars; ours is a forecourt, not a parking space as we have no drop curb. One day they parked so close to my shop door I had to climb over their bonnet to get out of the shop. They see nothing wrong in this. Every day has been a constant battle. Customers cannot get to either of us and the knock-on effect from this has affected our businesses far more than we could have thought. This morning my driver couldn't get anywhere close to the shop, and he had a funeral to load up. That is unacceptable. It's ok for them; they'll do their job, move on somewhere else and not give 2 hoots, but everything which is going on is having a very negative effect to my business and I am not ashamed to admit it is pissing me off. They also (nearly all of the builders) have a habit of sitting in their vans (diesel vans) with their engines running. I thought this was illegal? It's certainly not good for the environment, or those of us having to breathe in their fumes every day (this may be the reason why I've recently started to suffer from tight chested, asthma type symptoms!).

We've phoned the council about it and got nowhere. Someone did come out one day, saw the vans on the double yellows, told them to move (without giving them a ticket) and drove away. As soon as they were out-of-sight so the vans were back there. A few came out one day with the Mayor to the site opposite where they took great delight in congratulating themselves for finally being able to pull-it-off. Not one of them even bothered to talk to us to see how it was affecting us, for it doesn't affect them, their livelihoods. You can damn well believe it if did then none-of-this would be allowed to be happening. They're not making money from us, so we don't matter - before anyone accuses me of accusing them of making money they're not, they are, for they own the land opposite which is having the 18 flats being built on. If our business fails it's no skin off their nose, for there are plenty of kebab shop owners just waiting for us to go so they can move in. I've not given up 11 years of my life for them to trample all over us and treat us as though we don't matter. Myself and my neighbour are 2 women working in an area dominated by men who want us out so they can have our shops. She's been intimidated, had phone calls and texts in the early hours of the morning and been constantly hassled into selling. It's got so bad she has now decided to give up and sell up. She just can't cope with it any more. I don't blame her at all. However, they will not end up forcing me out. I'll stand my ground against them, regardless. And I shall do the same with the council, which is how I came to find myself on a twitter ban on Monday of this week.

Because of all the hassle and intimidation; because I've come out of work to find my tyres let down on numerous occasions, I started to park my car outside the shop so I can keep an-eye-on-it. I park in such a way as to take up just one space, with the ability to move it should my driver not be able to get in to load up. I can also move it so that any disabled customers of my neighbour can get in. It means that there is at least one spot for people other than workmen to get to us. Then Monday morning some guy comes in and says to me "Is that your little white car out there". It was, so I said it was and he then said "you need to move it". No, "would you mind moving it?" or "could you move it" but a "you need to move it." For the next 5 minutes we went back-and-forth with me telling him "I don't need to do anything" and him telling me I did, because apparently the bus couldn't get through and was stuck in the middle of the road. Nothing to do with me; the bus was stuck because they (and the workers in the end shop) were illegally parked; they were the ones causing the issue. Another man had actually said to me "little girl, you need to move your car". He is the one I told to "go fuck yourself". How dare he?

I did, eventually, move my car purely because one of my elderly customers needed to get to hospital and they were never going to move. I may be stubborn but I am also compassionate and have a respect for people; there was no way I was going to make a lady late for a hospital trip. They didn't give a flying fudge. When I found a space a few roads away it was raining; I was fed up and I had no coat. By the time I got back to the shop I was cold, wet and extremely angry; in fact, I was livid. Especially when one of the builders who told me to move had gone and parked where I had been.

I was so incensed I tapped out a tweet to Fareham Borough Council. Yes, I was a keyboard warrior, however, I'd happily have said it to them direct, to their face, something I have proven I have no problem doing on the rare times I have seen them. I figured if I put it out there for the world to see maybe, just maybe, they would act on it, finally take notice of us and the hassle we are receiving, and do something about it. Instead, they reported me to twitter. As you can see one section is still there, and they have accused me of using bad language. I honestly do not believe I did such a thing. I cannot imagine I was abusive to them, although I did accuse them of taking backhanders and lining their own pockets which I really shouldn't have done as I have no proof of that; I only hear things like that via word-of-mouth.

I can't show you what I said to begin with as it got removed when they reported me - I would have thought I should receive some kind of notification of what I said, but I am absolutely certain that I never used bad language (other than at the end in the 3rd tweet when I finished with "Screw You"). One thing I have never done is swear at people if I am trying to make a point or get myself heard. Foul language achieves nothing. I have downloaded my twitter archive to see if a copy of all tweets, regardless of whether live, or deleted, is kept, but both the first, and last, are missing. I can't quote myself though and prove I never used bad language because I am unable to see what I said. I just find it highly unlikely, and I remember reading through multiple times to make sure I'd not been rude - I was brought up to not be. I did tweet after the one they reported, saying that I'd apologised to the man I told to "F**k off" who had come into my shop with attitude telling me to move my car. That was after though and not during the tweet to the council. Hopefully they have a screen shot of it and will forward it on to me. If I did swear at them I will hold my hands up, own it, and apologise. I was more-than-angry but there are no excuses to use bad language to someone in a tweet.

I have a friend (who can be a pain to those who work there when it comes to our local (and district) council) who will pass comments, or ask questions on public forums and pages, regarding the members of the council (who have posted themselves or who have been mentioned in regards to whichever issue he is commenting on) and more-often-than-not those comments (his comments) have been removed. They also removed him from a facebook group for daring to ask them questions, they obviously didn't like. Why? My friends anal retention to detail can be a little annoying at times if you want to be getting on with something and he is still asking questions, however, it serves him well for he will never make comment, or pass judgement about anything, without first having researched it. One can only assume it's because he dares to question them, and their intentions, and they only want positive comments, and praiseful ones, to be seen out there in the public domain. It wouldn't be good for their ego's to be seen as anything less-than-wonderful or a credit to their communities. I assume this is also why they got me deleted; not because I used bad language (let's face it they could have flagged me up for that and made an example of me as a 'what not to do') but because they didn't like me pulling them up on their lack of duty to the people they serve.

The best part is that I only have 4 followers on twitter so the audience who saw those 140 characters was less than the amount of fingers I have on one hand (I may get more now though for my name appears on their news feed because they've replied to me telling me they've reported me, so I got a little promotion out of it). It was about one issue, and was just one passing comment. This blog however, regularly has readers in the thousands and gives me the option to share far more than 140 characters, so if they were trying to stop me from having my say (in a country where I believe we still allow free speech?? - obviously as long as it only fits in with those who say it should) they've actually (metaphorically, before anyone takes it the wrong way) shot-themselves-in-the-foot. I wasn't able to share the newspaper articles about parking, or the link to my objection based on parking, or the screen shot of the facebook comments in a single tweet.

What they should have done is contact me direct, asked me to remove it (if indeed there was anything offensive) and got on with their day.

To top it all though, yesterday a van parked across my neighbours forecourt and plonked a big generator smack-bang in the middle of my forecourt. I was just about put all my planters out, so I went out there, shouted over to him "you are moving this, right?" to which he replied "it won't be there all day". I responded "it won't be there at all, please remove it". He again told me it "won't be there all day" and again I had to explain to him that he had parked it on my forecourt, which belongs to my shop, which I pay for, and which I need to put my planters out on. He huffed, puffed and ranted, but eventually moved it, leaving the van where it was. I never said anything, leaving it to my neighbour when she arrived, but then my driver pulled up and pointed out to him that he might do well to move it as he was covering her forecourt. The guy had a right go, saying there was nowhere else for him to park (had he parked portrait and not landscape he would have been able to get on the forecourt of the shop he was working at) and that my driver should move his car so he could park there for he had a job to do. Yes, mate, so do we. He'd also said the guy on the end who he was working for owned all of the shops so it didn't matter where he parked. I don't think so!

This morning they had all arrived before I got to work, and the lorries which were blocking the road (which is why I had to re-route) were parked directly outside our shops and down on the double-yellows. Next week there will be traffic lights all week, which will affect our parking, the entry to all 3 sites and is sure to cause total-and-utter choas. I hope nobody in the council offices who approved all of this has a family member in the area who may need emergency help next week, because there's no way they're going to get the help they need quickly. I guess they don't though for they would have known what chaos this would cause, and they'd not put themselves or a relative of theirs at risk. That experience is reserved for the rest-of-us.

It's a good job I love what I do for a living!

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Twittering.....

Not the social media kind though, oh not (although I do have an account, with 4 followers.. haha; Go me 😆😆) but the feathered bird kind. 

Back in 2017 I was still friends with a guy I knew and we took a little trip to Wales together (sadly, that trip reaffirmed my belief he really wasn't a friend and what we once had we no longer have - much to my relief) and whilst there one morning he told me to train my camera on the bird feeders in the garden, and try taking some shots of the birds as they flew to (and from) the feeder. I was new to photography at that point, didn't have a clue what I was doing (still don't!) so took his advice on settings, sat myself down, pointed the camera at the feeders, kept the remote in my hand and snapped away. At that point, in my mind, birds were sweet enough in their own right, but noisy things that woke me early on summer mornings. My Mum has always loved birds and has many different books about them. After that day though, my opinions changed completely and I find myself grabbing those books for reference when I see a bird I've not seen before.

Whilst the photos I took weren't great (I was using a Canon 100d with a 75/300 lens; settings were at 1/2000 F5.4, ISO Auto - I don't remember much in life, but I do remember that) I disovered that I really enjoyed sitting there, watching them. We were seeing mainly Siskins (a bird I had never seen before) and a few blue tits (a bird we used to get at home a lot when I was growing up). I found myself fascinated in their behaviour, how their little legs don't snap when they land with the force some of them were, how they can cling on so well yet be off in a split second if threatened. I wanted to get closer to see their colours, wing patterns, how crisp the lines between each colour can be. The excitement I felt when a bull finch joined in the mix and later a Jackdaw appeared, really did take me by surprise. The photo below was one of my first attempts on that cold, April morning.

Since that day I have set up feeders in our suburban garden, planted trees that I know birds like, put up birdhouses for many different varieties. That has also lead to me planting shrubs and flowers for bees and butterflies too, along with adding places for bugs. I've always loved the outdoors, always enjoyed woodland surroundings (I've always had a thing about trees) yet that one morning my whole outlook on all of it changed. I am now a fully-paid member of the RSPB and Butterfly Conservation and the Wildlife Trust for my area - I can't afford to give much (can't really afford to give anything) but we really do need to be doing all we can to save the little creatures and critters we share this planet with.

For years we'd seen no birds in our garden, other than the odd pigeon. Now I'm getting a great variety. Yesterday, in a 20 minute time frame, I had 2 robins (they're meant to be territorial but these 2 go everywhere with each other; Rocky (the bigger of the 2) is ringed and will sit on a table less than 2 feet from me (he gets a bit skittish if I move too quick) 2 blackbirds (again, meant to be extremely territorial, yet there they were, sharing a branch), 2 gold finches, numerous pigeons and seagulls, a couple of coal tits, 1 great tit, 3 blue tits, 3 magpies, 1 pied wagtail and more starlings than I could count. In 20 minutes! (You wait though when I got out next weekend to take part in the RSPB Bird Watch there won't be a single one around). I've also had 3 sparrows in-and-out quite regularly, however, my neighbour has removed his bird box and I've not seen any of them since (one of the males was more-than-happy for me to potter about around him). I've even had a dunnock visit (although not this year, yet). I'd never even heard of a dunnock before before this one appeared.

My ultimate challenge is to take a photo of each variety we get in that I can be proud of. I upgraded my camera to a Canon 700d (I'd love something better but just don't have the funds) and invested in a 100/400 lens (although for the most part that is useless in my garden because they are too close). I dream of being able to buy a house with some land and no immediate neighbours, and a better set-up (camera wise - I'd love a Canon 5DSR but there is no way on this earth I could afford one without a lotto win) so I can snap away and get the shot I am looking for. A guy I know locally takes the most amazing bird photos, and while he has exactly the same lens as I do, he has a better camera body. If I could get one half-as-good as his I'd be a happy hormonal woman (I guess I can add my Red Kite to the list of "Happy with" shots).

Yesterday, I thought was going to be "the day" I got some good shots. For 5 hours I sat out there is sub zero temperatures. I had every type of food available for them all and they showed up, in their droves, however, every time I went to snap off a shot, one of my neighbours decided to fling open a door, slam a door, send their kids out screaming and stamping their feet about; one couple decided to bring a argument from indoors to outside. With each stamp, scream, slam and yell, so the birds took off elsewhere. 

5 hours and all I ended up getting was this.... 

I really do need those lottery numbers to come up so I can move on to a quieter, more appealing place for our little feathered friends to come and visit. Of course there is always a positive to take from every negative. I may have sat in freezing temps for 5 hours, but those 5 hours were ones where I did just sit and be at one with nature and the wildlife surrounding me. I took time out from hussle and bustle of everyday life, shutting myself off from all the stresses and strains that life seems to throw at us and that can never be a bad thing. 

I may no longer be friends with the guy I went away with, but I will always be grateful to him, for that morning he changed my life, and opened me up to a whole new world.

Security Cameras

A few years ago there was a spate of dog thefts in our local area. Having a Staffie (at the time) and knowing how they are a breed often stolen, we secured our gate and garden better than it was (even though it wasn't too bad to begin with) and I bought a couple of security cameras - one for the back garden, one for the front garden. At-the-time we didn't have anywhere out the front to put that one so we ended up setting it up indoors at the end of the hallway (this covers the front door, and living room door, so the front of the house, whilst the one out the back covers the back of the house). 

Recently we've been finding our front gate open when we get up in the mornings. Not really an issue (as such) until you factor in that our gate is an absolute arse to get open, and it will only open the shortest of distances before it stops dead. We've often discussed fixing this so it swings open more easily, however, we realised it acts as a bit more of a deterrant, and so we've left it like it (we always have to apologise to any new post people who bring the mail). Because of this it means someone has had to deliberately open it, and for it be open as far as it has been they've had to have entered the garden. We do have a lot of nasty thorny bushes outside our living room window, and the soil there is so soft if anyone tries to put up a ladder they'd sink about 6 feet, but on one side (not the other because again there is a rose bush with thorns like daggers) they could potentially use our neighbours wall to get up onto our porch - they'd be brave to do such a thing as the roof is not the safest in the world and they'd most likely fall through before they even got near to a window.

However, if they were to navigate themselves safely across, they'd find themselves below my bedroom window (unless they were 7 feet tall they'd not be able to reach the bottom of my window without some form of ladder, or another giving them a 'leg up' (the roof would most definitely not take 2 people) so this means it is pretty safe (ish). That doesn't mean it's no possible though and so because of this, I bought a new camera to cover the front of the house, and garden.  

I made a bit of a boob when I did though and the first one I bought the cable wasn't long enough - this has now been rectified - and so I found myself with a spare camera. We don't really need another as we have front, back and inside covered (even if the camera out the back missed someone getting in, the one in the hall would pick them up inside the house) so I was going to keep it as a spare. Then, last night putting stuff away again (if you read yesteday's post you will have seen I emptied all my cupboards on Sunday - I didn't put all the stuff away again) I came across it. 

Living in a house where things often go "bump" in the night and having recently had someone bang on my bedroom door at 3am, I thought I'd set it up in my room. It wasn't until I'd gone to bed I realised what a crazy idea that was, for more-than-one-reason. What if someone decided to try and hack in to it? My room is tiny; it doesn't matter where I put the camera, it's going to pick me up entering/leaving and when I'm in bed, unless I put it right on the end of my drawer unit, at which point it will only pick up the bedroom door (the unit is that close). This would mean any hacker would be able to view me in my room (although I am sure they'd quickly move on to someone else!! 😂😂 you'll find out why a bit further down the page). Then I thought about how I would shit myself if something/one was to show up on the camera in my room. I know I have questioned the very existance of ghosts (and still don't believe them to be real) but if they were and the camera was to pick one up, I'd not only have to re-think my whole belief system, I'd also have to re-think where I live 😂😂. 

I'd set it up though and if someone is that desperate they want to watch me sleep, then they have my sympathy. And if someone did appear that wasn't there, then maybe I could be the first person in the world to try capture a spirit, so I left it running. With trepidation (and a little bit-of-fear) I opened it up when I got to work this morning to see if it was triggered in the night, to find that it was. In fact between midnight and 6.30 this morning it was triggered 41 times. 2 of those were when a moth of some kind flitted about the room, the other 39 though were me; all me. I've been told by anyone I've shared a bed with that I am a fidget, and I know myself I've gone to sleep one end of the bed, and woken up the other, but I didn't realise just how bad I am. It seems that no sooner have I turned over onto my right side, then I am turning back again to my left, before twisting around so I'm diagonally across the bed. 

I learned the reason I always wake up so hot, is because I literally cover myself with the quilt - although my feet seem to spend a lot of time uncovered. I then push the quilt off me and pretty much wake up a couple of minutes after doing so, which means I'm waking up uncovered and wondering what's going on for me to be so bloody hot, when in fact my skin to the touch is cold. Now I know! Will be interesting to see if that was just a one-off, or something I do regularly. In fact I quite like the idea of keeping it now for a month just to see how going through a female hormone cycle affects my sleep pattern (although I'll have to wait for a month when it's back-to-normal to do so). 

I knew I snored and that I will often go a minute (or 2) without breathing (I discovered that from a sleep recorder thing I've got) but I've discovered it's worse when I sleep on my right, than on my left. Who knew a security camera could be so informative for something other than keeping a property secure? 

Yes, I know some of you who know me will be reading this, thinking "she's missed out something else she does a lot too!!! 😂😂". It's true; when I sleep I fart.... a lot 😂😂

For the record. I've deliberately blurred the photo below - the actual camera and footage is crystal clear; I just didn't want you getting too much of a good peek into my bedroom!

Meltdown

I've been dealing with a few personal issues these past few months, associated with a condition that could be medical; it's not really bothered me (as such) but in the back-of-my-mind I've begun to question myself as to whether I am right that's it's not something I should be concerned about (even though I'm sure I know my body well enough to know if something untoward is going on). However, the more time which passes, the more I have been worrying about it (I have even now made the decision to speak to my GP about it - IF I can actually get an appointment) and for me to do that it's got to be concerning me, for I never go to my doctors (I only went a couple of years ago when I had chickenpox because my family forced me as it can be quite dangerous is someone my age - glad I did because the doc did have to give me some antiviral drugs and backed-up my brother's telling me how bad it can be (I hate it when he's right!!)). I've not tried to hide the issue, or hope it will go away, I've just honestly not believed it to be anything sinister - until the past 2 weeks when it has begun to worry me. 

I guess with that going on I've been a bit low, a bit quieter than I would normally be and had my head coming up with all kinds of awful scenarios (even though a huge part of me is still totally convinced it's not anything to be worrying about and I will just be wasting my GP's time if I am able to get an appointment). I've also been a bit more stressed than I would normally be, and that's how I found myself have a complete meltdown yesterday morning over the most ridiculous of issues.

Because I am a director of my little shop (that always makes it sound like I am running some kind of muli-national money making business (this could not be further from the truth and often it is touch-and-go as to whether I will get paid at the end of the month; an amount which most people earn in a week)) I have to do a self-assessment tax return. I hate it. If I wanted to be an accountant I would have trained to be one; if I wanted a job filling in forms (important ones at that) I would not be a florist. The thought of it is bad enough but the minute I sit down to file it I feel stress like no other. It genuinely terrifies me that I am going to do something wrong, put in a wrong amount in a box it's not meant to go into and that is such a stupid thing to worry about, however, it's something I really do get stressed over. How "Cash Only" businesses get away with not declaring all they take, or people who don't put down everything they've earned are able to sleep at night, is beyond me. 

So, there I am, surrounded by bits-of-paper and receipts from places I visited in 2018/2019 that I gift aided to. I have a copy of a small PPI payment I received (figuring out where that goes on a form just about finished me off). I open up the page to do it, having told my Mum to not disturb me for an hour (the last thing I need when I'm 'in-the-zone' is someone (anyone) flitting about distracting me, or talking to me about things of little (or no) consequence) and I go to the 'Log in' section, tap on the box and it's empty; nothing comes up. For the past 4 years my login details have been there (ever since I ticked the box on my browser that says "Save details"). I think to myself "it's ok, you must have used the laptop" so I drag my fat ass downstairs, open up the laptop and the same thing happens. Turns out they've done an update so all stored info is no longer where it should be. 

This is not a problem; when we swapped all the upstairs rooms about earlier-in-the-year, all the stuff I used to get my Mum to keep (in her safe place) I took as I now have room myself to store it. I go to the cupboard, pull out the file, to find it's not there; I have everything else but no tax details (I have copies of everything in the file going back 12 years). I ask Mum if she has seen it, to be told "no, you took it all when we did the room". I ripped apart every-single-piece of my room (even looking behind units, the radiator and airing cupboard) all to no avail. By now my blood pressure had probably risen from it's usual 99/60 to somewhere around 140/120. The stress levels were not good. 

Then I remembered; most companies have "Forgotten log in details, or forgotten password sections" on them, so I click on those, answer all the questions (from my UTR number (had that as it's on a previous return) to my post code, NI number, email address) for it to come back with "We don't have enough information to verify your details; please contact us". What more did they want? My UTR and NI should have been enough for them in the first place. By this point I began to panic a little, telling myself to "not be so stupid" and reminding myself I could ring them today and explain what had happened - I have heard tales of people being on hold all day though and not being able to get through" so I searched their website to see if there was an alternative way, which is when I saw the bit about how it can take up to 28 days to get new log in details sent out. I didn't have 28 days. I had only 19. Add to that the fact they'd been emailing, and texting pretty much on a daily basis for the past month reminding me that I have to file by the 31st of the month.

I then got on a mission; it had to be somewhere, so I started on my side of our craft room/office and Mum came up and started on her side. We never found it. I went back to my room and pulled everything from drawers, under my bed, the airing cupboard, all the while getting a little more stressed. That blood pressure of mine my surely have been 300/200 at this point. When we'd exhaused all options and Mum said to me "when were you originally planning to do it" referring back to the fact I kept saying in September I was going to get on and do it so it was out-of-the-way, knowing she was being a bit snidey with me for leaving it so late, I lost it. I punched a wall, and I cried; then I cried some more. Then I cried even more. For about and hour-and-a-half I sat in my room, crying. I think a combination of the fear that someone is wrong with me, and the stress of everything else I deal with (running a business, living with an aging parent, hormones and health issues) all came to a head. I've been so worried in the past month that my issues are going to see me pop-my-clogs which is the last thing I want (I plan on being here until I am 96) but as I sat there crying I wondered why I wanted to live that long. I questioned what there is out there for me in life; it's not as if I'm "living the dream" right now. Thankfully I got over that pretty quickly, and I still plan on making it to 96, but all of this over a fucking tax return form, when I don't even earn enough to pay tax at the moment - yes, that's right, I run a business and am poorer than I was when I worked for someone; the joys of small business ownership. It's not all moonlight-and-roses. 

It was an hour later when I suddenly realised I'd been looking for a soft plastic folder, and the tax stuff is in a hard folder that I went on one-more-hunt (Mum had known this so had been looking for the right thing the whole time) and where did I eventually find it?? On Mum's side, at the bottom left of a shelving unit, she had checked TWICE. When I asked how she'd missed it, so said to me "Well, you missed it too" - I'd not checked there as she'd been in charge on that side. She then followed it up with "oh, but I did have my jigsaw board in front of that corner, so guess I didn't look behind it properly". 

I'd had a right proper meltdown, and it had been there the whole time. Maybe I needed that cry, needed to let go of everything that was whizzing around in my head. I'd like to say I felt better for it but that would be a lie. Crying always makes me feel crap, although the appearance of our little feather friends "Rocky the Robin" (he was with his counterpart but that one is too skittish and won't sit still for a photo) and "Billy the Blackbird" (who hadn't been around for a few weeks) did go someway to brightening up a very difficult day. 

The long-and-short of this post was not to bore you all with my meltdown over something so ridiculous but to let you know that no matter what it is, that it is ok to lose it sometimes. Ask people who know me what I'm like and they'll say things like "she's always got her shit together" because that's the person I allow them to seee, that's the person I show to the world (usually) but the real me is like a lot of you and literally hanging onto the world by the tiniest of threads. It's ok to cry; it's ok to talk about such things (for so long I never talked about how I was feeling) it's ok to feel as though the world is falling down around you; you do not have to feel guilty for feeling sorry for yourself just because your problems aren't what someone else's are. Our problems and issues are what is relevant to us. There may be some of you reading this thinking "silly bitch; wouldn't know a real problem if it hit her in the face" and you may be right, if you're judging me by just reading this. What you don't see is what I don't share, so maybe you should stop being so judgemental (you arse) and we should stop judging ourselves based on what someone else is showing us they are going through. 

At the end of the day though it matters not one jot what someone else thinks of you. You do NOT need their approval. As long as you know you have been kind to people and shown them respect (unless, of course they have disrespected you, then give them as much shit as you want) then that is all that matters, and if you want to cry, then you cry. Never feel ashamed to do so. It is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign that even the strongest among us, occasionally have to let go. 

So far, so good

One of the things I promised myself I would do (actually, it's more a wouldn't do) this year is have 2 Facebook-Free days each week. I set aside Tuesday and Thursday (eventually I'm hoping to have complete Social-Free days (as in social media, not being social and seeing/talking to people)). I remember way back in 2007 saying "I'll never have that facebook; I don't need that kind of thing in my life" and here I am, 12 years later, trying to ween myself off it. I hate it, hate everything about what it has become (I loved it at first and in concept it's a great idea), yet somehow it now contains my life and the people I share it with (some of whom I'd rather not!!).

It's the place I can go to interact (visually) with my family and friends dotted about the world. Before facebook those interactions could only be done with a phone call that cost a small fortune, or via letter, which take days to get anywhere (I do still have some friends I write to - there are some things I'd like to never see go out of fashion; there's something about the joy or receiving a letter from someone). I don't have to wait until I see those friends/family next to be able to enjoy photo's of their travels, or their kids growing up (when the family are abroad and you cannot get to see them you can miss out on so much). That is why I still have facebook. That is a good part to it, but there's also a darker part to it, and that's what I don't like.

Anyway; I've complained about social media (a lot) before so let's move away from that, something I have done on a Thursday and Tuesday so far this year - kind of, although I got confused with days and forgot on Tuesday of this week, but made up-for-it by not going on there yesterday. Go me :) 

Actually, not being on there yesterday was hard for me, because it was my Dad's birthday, and I always post a status to remind people how he's no longer here for us all to share in my birthday and to keep the memory of him alive. Then I remembered; it's not about anyone else remembering him. It's about me remembering him, so in-a-way I'm glad I failed on Tuesday and stepped away yesterday. 

Had he still been alive he would have turned 76 yesterday (he died aged 49, the age I currently am - yes, I did find it much harder than I thought I would turning this age because of his dying). I spent a lot of yesterday wondering; would him and I still be as close as we were? Would my life have worked out differently if he'd still been alive? (the answer to that question is most definitely "Yes"). Would he have got grumpier as he got older, or chilled out and relaxed a little more (he had a really stressful job and wasn't always the happiest of people). Would him and Mum have stayed in the same house, or moved away like he always said they should do? I actually imagined him buying an old coach and doing it up into some kind of motor home and him and Mum pootling off to different places, touring this amazing country of ours with each other, constantly bickering whilst loving each other a little more each day. 

My Dad was the most important man in my life. I was a "Daddies girl" which is weird when I spent more time doing thigns with my Mum because my Dad was always working. I knew how to twist him round my little finger; I also knew how to retreat if I'd pissed him off - he never raised a hand to me, but as a child if I stepped out of line he would shut me in my room and turn off the light (I had a fear of the dark - eventually I learned not to upset him, although on a couple of occasions I got brave and switched the light on, listening for him to come up the stairs when I would turn it off again and pretend I'd been sat in the dark the whole time). Someone said to me a while back it was cruel of him to do so; I don't see that because in those dark moments (there weren't many of them and they never lasted for long) I got to think about how naughty I had been and learned not to do the same thing again which would get me in to trouble. I also had to be a right little sod to be sent to my room, because both my parents set me really fair boundaries; it was my overstepping them that got me in trouble. 

As a teenager I had a time to be home by; every minute I was late was 15 minutes I had to be in earlier the next day. I made sure I was never late. If my friends were allowed to stay out later, as long as I went home with that friend and told Mum and Dad what time they were allowed out (something which could be easily checked as all our parents knew each other) then I would be allowed out to that time too. My friends were always welcomed into our home too (a lot of my friends parents wouldn't allow us in the house). Boundaries, but very fair ones. 

Did my usual; digressed from where I was going - how often I do that is astounding. So, to round it up, I've stuck to my facebook-free days :) Long may they continue.

Not sure if

I should be flattered, or offended!!

Had someone come into work earlier who I've not seen in over 20 years. The words they spoke which I'm not sure about were as follows "wow, you've not changed a bit"!

Now, you'd think that is a great thing to hear, however, let's take into consideration that 20 years ago I was 112lb lighter (that's 8 stone to those of you who don't work in pounds - a MASSIVE amount of weight) I was still in my 20's (this April I enter a new decade - I'll let you figure out which) and I had long, dark hair, without a hint of grey. Now, I have it short and with more grey than any other colour in it, yet (apparently) I've not changed a bit! How does that work then? 

This-time-last-year I'd have been quite distraught at someone saying such a thing, would have thought it meant I'd looked bloody awful back then too, however, the new, improved (ooh look, a change) positive me is taking it as a great compliment. It means that the person whom I was speaking too saw me (which also makes them a wonderful person). They didn't see the rolls of fat, the quadruple chin, or the thinning grey hair; nor did they see the person I was back then (for if they had they'd not have said such a thing). No, the person they saw was me; the real me, and on this damp, dank, miserable Monday morning that filled my heart (and head) with blue skies and sunshine (and a really heavy frost, of course; I don't want any of that heat stuff). 

Just so you know the photo below was taken as I finished the last paragraph so is exactly how I am looking right now; the only editing to it is the blurred background (the crap behind me at work was taking away from my natural beauty 😁The camera has been kind, also, and hidden the grey a lot better than it is in the flesh.

There will be some of you who will look at this and say "wow, you're ugly", others who will say "you look old" some might say I look younger than I am (I believe that to be my natural botox - yes, I'm aware it's fat but natural botox sounds so much better). I've been called names before - many, many, many times (I spent my whole childhood being called names - the saying "sticks and stone will break my bones but names will never hurt me" is total BULLSHIT. Bones heal far easier and quicker than the wounds caused by the names) and (thankfully) I overcame them, to find myself where I am now, in a place where your opinion (whether bad, or good) really is irrelevant because I am happy with who I am (even though at the start of this it might not have sounded like it where I've said about my being a fat bint - that's not me being down on myself, that's me being honest with myself) and I am truly the only one who matters. I am well aware I (and only I) can change how I look, and maybe I will at some point, however, I've learned it's far more important to concentrate on keeping your mind healthy, before you can act on keeping your body for (for the record, at my last medical I was told I have the inner workings of a 20 year old athlete and that my body is working in perfect harmony and sync with itself - not all fatties are unhealthy so knock that myth on the head before you decide to go off on one about me being a drain on the NHS - my whole medical history (from birth until now) can fit on one side of A4 paper and that includes the 4 years from baby-to-toddler when my toncils are poisoning me). I'm not (and neither are any of you who may be reading this) on this planet to be a punchbag for others (whether verbally, or phycially). If you're lucky enough to have someone love you, embrace their love, feel it, be warmed and comforted by it, for very few get to truly experience real love. If you have people out there who dislike and despise you, or who are cruel to you, walk away from them if you can, but do so with love. Accept they are welcome to their own opinion of you, but remember those whose opinion of you isn't nice, do NOT matter. 

You are WORTH IT.

Time travel

time slip, dream, or just completely weird and way out there? 

For about the past 3/4 months I've been suffering with a bad knee - I slipped walking the dog a few years ago (when I say slipped, I actually tumbled down a bank and landed 20 feet below with my foot up behind my back - I also suffer with sciatica) and since then, on-and-off it's been playing up, getting progressively worse these past few months. I woke up at 2am on New Years Day morning and the pain was so intense it was taking my breath away. I hobbled to the bathroom (a woman of my age can never sleep all night !!) and when I got back into bed wasn't able to get comfortable in any way at all. Every position I laid, or put my leg in, just caused me more pain. Eventually though I fell asleep (or did I?). 

I found myself sitting in a high back red velvet chair, infront of roaring fire with an 8ft high stone fire surround which was about 12ft wide. To my left was an empty sofa also in the same fabric, and to the left of that was a long window made of 3 rectangular panes all of which had diamond shaped leading. Directly the other side of the window was a road, with a house opposite, also on the road. I got the feeling it was sometime in the 16th/17th century. 

The chair was just like this but in a blood red velvet. The sofa was similar but with a lower back, quite square and a with a bit more padding at the back of it (they matched, yet didn't at-the-same-time).

Suddenly something caught my attention out the corner of my left eye, and when I looked, a witches broom was spinning around so fast it was creating a whirlwind effect - I couldn't see the bottom of the broom, only the handle, but I knew what style it was; I could also hear the noise as it whooshed. The handle never once dipped, remaining upright the whole time. Seeing it terrified me and for some reason I held out my left hand with my palm facing the broom directly (very Yoda style) and yelled out "no" at which point it stopped spinning, I realised I was awake and the pain in my knee vanished. That quickly; as soon as the broom stopped spinning so the pain disappeared. It's not hurt since.

The broom spun like this - although, as I've said, I could only see the handle.

The windows were very much like these - in fact this photo could have been taken inside the house I was sitting in; everything about it is very familiar. In my vision this would have been taken standing with your back to the fireplace wall and the sofa would be just to the left of the photographer, the chair I was sitting in to the left of that, slightly turned (only slightly) towards the window and the broom would have been seen between the panes that can be seen in this photo.

For the record; I am extremely skeptical of all things paranormal (as you will see if you read my post on Ghosts: DNA)