Who am I?

A question I ask myself often, as I am sure, many of you do too. The honest answer is; I don't really know. Do any of us ever really know who we are?

Over the years I've thought I was this person, that person, or the other person, only to find myself a little bit older, or a little bit wider (yes, I do mean wider and not wiser!!) and completely different to who I was the previous year. We are ever evolving, learning, growing, and changing. My attitude today, as I sit writing this, is completely different to how it was at the beginning of this year. I'm not who I was then, and I have no doubt if you were to ask me to write this next year, I'd be putting something different again, to that which I am writing now.

Of course, there are some things about a person which never change. I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt, cousin, and on occasion (to the right person) a friend. I'm fiercely loyal to the people I love and care about, right up until the moment they do something which makes me question their loyalty to me; once I've questioned them, everything changes. 

I've lived, I've loved, I've laughed, I've cried. I've been through the grief of losing my Dad just a few days before my 23rd birthday (he was just 49); even now, as a middle-aged woman I miss him terribly. I've lost the man I would have eventually married (he was 26) and my best friend (she was 42). Cancer too both my Dad and Best Friend; an evil disease which seems to be more rife and prevelant than ever before. 

I've had my heartbroken more times than I care to mention; as such I built a wall and have let nobody through it in a very, very long time, and that's fine. It works for me. I don't think I have ever broken someone elses heart, so I guess, I must (deep down) be a kind person. 

I'm a hard worker; I learned from my Dad about how to graft, and a decade ago was lucky enough to have a friend set up a business for me. It's never made any money, I'm earning less now than I was when I left school, way back in the 80's; it's only because the friend who set me up has allowed me to not pay him anything back for the decade we've been in business that I am still able (and blessed) to be able to do it. I work 50/51 weeks a year, often 7 days a week, and for a minimum of 10 hours every working day. I know how to graft; I just work in a trade that has been gradually squeezed out of the markets by the supermarkets, and department stores. I'm one of the lucky ones; each week at least 5 other businesses who do the same as me, have to close their doors. 3 of my friends in the trade, who worked equally as hard, put their life-and-soul into their bussinesses have closed in the past 5 years. It's hard work, it's long hours; the pay doesn't afford me a social life (as such) but I couldn't imagine doing anything else, and count myself as 'lucky' each day I'm still trading. 

I live with my Mum; I moved back after I split with my last fiance (yes, there have been a couple). That was too long ago for me to remember, and I know I will be with her now for a really long time; my estimation is until one of us pops our clogs. She's not getting any younger, has never moved on from my Dad passing away, lives in a very insular little world, and is beginning to lose her marbles a little. I think having me there is all that keeps her going and I will be there as long as she needs me. It's the least I can do after everything her and my Dad sacrificed for me when I was growing up. That's not to say I wouldn't move out if  'Mr Right' was to come along, however, I'd not want to move far away, so I could still keep an eye on her. As yet the elusive 'Mr Right' hasn't even attempted to make contact, and I'm fine with that. My life is what it is. I have a job, I have a roof over my head, I have food in my belly (too much of that) and I live in an area with woods, beaches and rolling fields, less than half-an-hour away in any direction. I have more than most people throughout the world could ever dream of having. 

Do I want more? Of course, I do. It's human nature, isn't it? We always want what we haven't got, however, I'm not a greedy person (other than with food). I don't want to be a bulti billionaire; can you imagine? It's hard enough knowing who to trust when you have no money. No, that's not the life for me, but it goes without saying that I'd like my own little home, and the funds to be able to run it, and I'd like to be able to take holidays. I recently got taught how to use a camera, and I so want to visit places where I put those skills to test - the USA and their national parks, always being top-of-the-list. Sometimes, I even think I'd like a man in my life too; one who isn't clingy, has his own funds, and doesn't want to change me. As such a man doesn't exist, I'll stick to it just being me :) 

That's who I am, at this moment-in-time. Tomorrow I may be someone else; we just never know. I'm open to all possibilities.