Every day I hear someone say something about Mental Health and how we should talk about it, not bottle it up. I have people on my facebook who share their own stories, memes and quotes tell us how we should talk about it. Sometimes I do; I talk about it - I've shared on here before how if it wasn't for the Samaritans one night a long time ago, I might not be here now. However, I don't talk about it much because I was brought up in a world where we were told to "pull yourself together". Words like "if you don't stop crying I'll give you something to cry for" - I would cry, a lot. Turns out I'm quite a sensitive soul; the slightest thing can set me off (even more so as I've reached 'that-time-of-life').
I've cried this passed weekend. On Saturday when the blue tit which had fledged earlier in the morning (which was really too young to have done so) died later on that day. I'd spent several hours watching it hop around the garden, exploring as it went; I took some lovely photographs, and felt hopeful for it when it found a little hiding place at the top of the garden so when the rain came down a bit later (quite heavily) around 4 pm, it would be able to keep dry. I'd watched as the parents had come with food and were dropping down to where it was sitting, feeding it. Then, when I went up the garden at 7 pm and thought I'd check to see if it was still hiding or had finally found it's wings, I found it dead. That part I was ok with - ish - these things happen, the 'circle of life', 'survival of the fittest' and all that other crap; what started me off was one of the parents sitting in the top of the tree, with a nice juicy mealworm dangling from it's mouth, calling out non-stop for it's little one to answer so it could feed it. That's what set me off, and I am not ashamed to admit, I sobbed.
Sunday wasn't much better when one of our fish took it's last gulp of water. No idea how old it was as we rescued it 6 years ago from someone who had already taken it from someone else who didn't want it any more. Our little Marge's death, also brought a tear to my eye.
This being such an emotional wreck is not good; it's made me vulnerable in the past to some pretty awful people. It's also made me a pretty awful person at times too; in order to try and turn myself from a pathetic wreck, at times I have been a foul creature. That's never a good thing though because I then get myself bang-on-one that my behaviour has upset someone else and the last thing I ever want to do itsupset someone - unless, of course, they have wronged/harmed me. Sometimes, though, I've done it without meaning to (I am, after all, only human). I'm not one of those who can't hold their hand up and admit when they are wrong, and I will always say "sorry" to anyone I upset.
However, in recent years I've stopped worrying about upsetting the 'wrong' people. The ones who have treated me bad, made me feel worthless; I finally got brave enough to answer back (not always the best thing to do as that set off their nasty streak even more) and give as good as I was getting. Of course, when I did I was the one in the wrong (in their world). I was a horrible person who had hurt their feelings - these are people who had mercilessly bullied me for decades. Standing my ground against them was one of the hardest, yet most rewarding things I have ever done. This, though, brought about a new "Sarah" one who will now say "boo" to a goose, who won't let people walk all over me and when they try I'll either pull them up on it, or slag them off to anyone who might listen (I'd never say anything behind their back I'm not prepared to (or haven't already) said to their face). This is a side of me I don't like, yet I believe I am quite justified in doing so (others though, don't see that and have been known to pull me up for it and make me feel bad about who I am).
For years I never let myself be the real me. I played a part; I was the person people said I should be. I've had people tell me how to dress, have my hair (that one they will never win on as my hair will always do exactly what it wants to do). I had a "friend" tell me I should wear jeans and trainers and when I said I don't feel comfortable in them they replied "well buy some and you will". I've bought them before and I wasn't comfortable in them. I've been on holidays with friends (several of which I paid for) and then spent the whole time doing what they wanted, going where they wanted, seeing what they wanted, and I didn't dare mention I'd like to do something I enjoy, or tell them I don't like to watch nature programs on TV when they put them on because I would never hear the end of it - one actually threw a remote control at my head once when they were telling me I "had to watch" a wildlife show they had on after I'd repeatedly said I didn't want to watch. These people ground me down, day-on-day until one day I was going to go either one-way-or-the-other with life. I, thankfully, chose the other. I've been down the path of the other many years before and it wasn't one I liked very much. It's not a place I have wanted to visit again. Which is why when I found myself there last night it really took me by surprise.
Last night though, a passing flippant comment, and a disapproving look from someone during a facetime chat, and my world crumbled around me. By the time I got to bed I'd spent several hours thinking about it; thinking about what an awful person I must be. Wondering what the point of it all is. I laid in bed, crying my eyes out, remembering how I have no friends (not real ones any more). Thinking about how even though I am surrounded by dozens of people, I am really completely alone. I thought about how often people will talk over me when I am speaking, or just ignore me, full stop. That's how insignificant I am to them and I am in the world, and had it not been for that little voice in the back of my head which said to me "but you have flowers to do for a funeral tomorrow; you can't let those people down" I am not sure I would be sitting here, tapping away on a keyboard right now. I felt worthless, useless, and a person who really shouldn't be annoying others any more - and I am fully aware how annoying I am to some.
For someone like me, those thoughts are scary, because I have so many things left that I want to do with my life, and for the most part (these days) I don't give a shit what anyone else thinks of me. If they like me, that's great; if they don't, that's fine too. I like some people, don't like others. I don't want to end my life, didn't want to end it last night; I have dreams. I still believe, one day, someone will actually come along who could love me (I've never been loved so it would be nice to experience it for real before I die). I am grateful to whomever the voice I heard last night belongs to. in the cold-light-of-day and feeling a little less hormonal (who knew the menopause could make a sad, depressive person 10-times-worse?).
I don't want to talk about how I feel (felt) because I'm not someone who actively seeks attention (odd when I write a blog/share photo's) and I've never been someone who talks about how I am feeling (although I do that a little more than I used to). I've tended to be a very private person, to keep things to myself - that's how I was brought up, how I was told to behave. It's hard to undo, yet sometimes I am able and when I do there is usually no stopping me. I've not shared how I was feeling last night because I want sympathy, or to be judged (although many of you will judge me for it - I've put it on the internet, I'm expecting some of you to judge; it's just who-you-are). I've put it out there to remind someone who may come across it, who may be feeling how I felt last night, to let them know that there is always hope; tomorrow truly is a new day. Last night dark thoughts were running through my head; today, they are still there but a little greyer than they were black, and grey proves to me there is hope.
I know it is easy for me to sit here, tell you all it's ok, life can get better because I am lucky enough for it to be better today than it was yesterday. Today could have been worse than yesterday - I'm so grateful that it wasn't - and for many the next day may not be better, but you always have to hope. We really do only one shot at this life.
If you are struggling, speak out, ask for help. There are people out there. They don't have to be people you know; ring the Samaritans, get on the internet and find a chat room somewhere. The world is crazy right now, it's all changing and many, many people are isolating alone. There may be nothing you can do about the people in the home with you, but you can find people out there, in the cyber world, and if you're reading this, you have the internet so can't use the excuse that you can't find a forum, chat room, even a facebook group. I was added to a virtual pub where there were hundreds of people saying they were so glad they had found it as they were isolating alone. Several have said they don't know how they would have been able to cope without the group. New friendships have been made. I get you may feel alone - as I've said I often do (and I really have been in a crowd of friends and felt completely on my own) however, you are not. There is always someone there.
Remember; tomorrow may be a better day. If it's not, keep going. One day the black will begin to turn to grey.
